Monday, February 20, 2012

Can you help me with my story?

here is my story for English. i want it to be like a surprise ending like no ones expecting. also if you have any suggestions(: thank you!!!



Not Really Dead

I felt a drop of water fall on my head, then another. It was a gloomy day, not unusual for New York City, which made me feel even more devastated! My best friend had just died the day before and I was attending her funeral. When it was over, I was a lot richer; she left me a huge part of her will. She was filthy rich. Brandi’s job was a fashion designer for major companies like Louis Vuitton.

After the funeral was over, I decided to go home and stuff my face with chocolate and junk food. I hopped in the car and drove to my apartment. When I walked in I noticed a note sitting on the counter. I picked it up and it read:

“Go to Benihana at 6:30 and we will talk there. Do not tell anyone about this or you will regret it.”

I must have stood there for 15 minutes staring at the note. I was so confused…

“Who could this be from?” I asked myself. I looked at the clock, it was 4:30 p.m. The minutes seemed like hours as I got ready I wanted to call my two other best friends and tell them what was going on, but I didn’t even know! Twenty minutes passed and I was starving. I ran to the kitchen to grab a snack. I opened the fridge and I couldn’t believe it, all of my food was gone but one thing, a pack of baby tomatoes and a note rested on top of it saying:

“Sorry, I got hungry and you usually have good food. Make sure to save your appetite.”

I was thinking and then something popped into my head… Brandi absolutely hated tomatoes! I started laughing, that’s not possible, Brandi can’t be alive.

I wanted to call someone so bad because I just couldn’t believe she actually might be alive, but the note said I would regret it. What does that mean? Is my best friend really alive? I guess I will find out soon.

I arrived at Benihana not sure what to expect. Walked in to the restaurant and standing there was|||You rush and add unnecessary detail.

1) You are devastated that your best friend has only recently died and yet you immediately go into the touchy subject of her leaving quantities of money for you. This makes the character appeal as a gold-digger. I have not heard of any caring person who has freshly endured a loss mention bundles of money left over. My mother never spoke of financing when my father passed, neither did my sister or myself because money was worthless(we wanted our father, not money). A certain person in my family(who we honestly dislike) called a day after his passing and began a conversation about money. %26lt;--- That's what this character has made themselves out to be. Refrain from financial talk until later.

2) It's seriously unrealistic for someone to find a note and automatically follow the directions without any second thought or intelligence to think it was a hoax.

3) Hopefully Brandi has a key to this character's house; otherwise, how did they get in to leave the notes?

4) You're say that this intruder ate EVERYTHING in the fridge except a carton of baby tomatoes? Are they going to be 400 pounds? I don't see any other explanation to such a big appetite.

5) Your character assumes her best friend is alive JUST BECAUSE the only thing left in her fridge is a carton of tomatoes....? I see my dad's shoes in my mom's closet but that doesn't lead me on to think that he's still alive.


I'm sorry but everything is beyond realistic. The character comes off as uncaring for discussing finances only hours(literally) after her friend's death. Then she finds a note telling her to go somewhere, and she thoughtlessly decides to go. Her fridge is completely empty except for a carton of tomatoes which leads her on to think her best friend Brandi is still alive. Really? Try to add some sense into this. Maybe rushing the event of Brandi's funeral is what has you in a choke hold to rush things with crazy material.
I suggest using a inner-thought narration for this character, perhaps reminiscing about her friend's funeral which she attended months ago. Perhaps a letter will arrive without a return address and tell her to meet with someone somewhere with PROOF the letter is not a hoax and worth her time. Have her walking into the climax scene(finding out her friend is alive) without any prior knowledge that Brandi may just be STILL ALIVE. Too, be sure to give a good and solid reason for Brandi living after rumored to be dead. Perhaps she entered a witness protection program and she came back to warn her friend of danger-- something.

:)
Keep trying!
Good luck.

~~ ??MeryKheper??|||I dont mean to be rude, but this is just constructive criticism. Try to put a little more feelings in, really become your main character, also try to start off with a more detailed setting, and on from there details make the heart grow fonder. at the moment I the reader dont know her name, her life and the gereal idea of her



for example

I felt a drop of water on my head, then another. This gloomy day in New York City fit my mood of devistaion. My best friend whom ive know since (blah) and met (blah) had just died. She and I thought we had all the time in the world, but when she died she gave most of her will to me, it was too much, but i couldnt refuse.



also flithy rich isnt the best way to describe her, i wish you luck!|||Eh I don't really like it, what grade are you in? I wouldn't put this about a B for a year 7 or year 8. If you are a grade above you won't get a good mark. You sentences are way too short and you seem, you spent way to long staring at the note (no one does that, maybe 5 minutes but 15 come on). I'm just going to write my own little one for fun now.



Not Really Dead, by Brago



I felt a drop of water fall on my head and then another, yet another gloomy day in New York City. Nothing out of the ordinary which was depressing. I wipe the tears from my cheeks as I remember the smiling face of my friend who passed away yesterday, the cause of death was unknown. This morning I learnt that she had left me a large sum of money in her will, she was such an angel even though she worked for those bastard fashion designers like Louis Vuitton. Once the funeral was over I decided to go home and drown my sorrows in chocolate and other treats. Maybe their sugary goodness would ease the pain, if only a little. I hoped into my car and that is when I noticed the note on the dashboard, I picked it up and it read: "Go to Benihana at 6.30 pm tonight and we will talk there. Don't tell anyone or else you will regret it." I stared at the note for a long time, around 5 minutes, I was so confused... "Who could it be from?" I looked at my watch and noted that is was 4.30pm. As the minutes ticked by I debated calling my two best friends and to tell them what was going on, but I wasn't sure if I should. Twenty or so minutes passed and my stomach growled in hunger. I pull up at my home and go into the kitchen to grab a little snack. I open the fridge and gasp at what I see. The entire fridge was stripped bare except for a small packet of baby tomatoes which had a note taped to the top saying: "Sorry, I got hungry and you always have the best food. Make sure you save your appetite." I pondered over the note and then it dawned on me that Brandi hated tomatoes. I stared at the little packet as if it was full of deadly spiders... Surly she couldn't be alive... Brandi couldn't be alive... I wanted to call someone, anyone, very badly but I refused to believe that she was alive... although I was afraid that if I called the notes warning would come true. What does it all mean? Is my best friend really alive? I guess I would find out soon. I arrived at Benihana not sure what to expect and as I walked into the restaurant I was standing in front of...



This isn't a good place to cut off if this is your ending, I would advice better sentencing ok?



Hope this helps.
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